“So, how are things?” Dr Stein my psychiatrist says this morning. We’re sitting in his office. The panther lies on the carpet at my feet: head resting on his front paws, eyes closed.
“Well I think my mood is starting to lift,” I say. “I’m feeling more focused and determined to exercise twice a day and…”
“An initial glance at you shows me that you seem brighter,” he says, smiling at me: his blue eyes twinkling.
“The thing is,” I say. “My anxiety is terrible, so I was wondering if I could have some Clonazepam for it…just till I go into hospital at the end of the month and…”
“You certainly seem agitated,” he says, scribbling something in my notes.
“It’s unbearable,” I say. “Had a conversation with Mum earlier where I ended up shouted at her because I can’t cope with the anxiety – it’s making me irritable and…”
“What does it feel like?” He says, looking concerned.
“It’s a thump-thump-thumping, all the time,” I say. “The only time it dissipates is when I’m cycling or spinning or walking – I have to keep moving so…”
“It’s visceral,” he says, nodding. “OK – I will prescribe you some Clonazepam for this period – I’ll give you a month’s supply so…”
“How soon will it start working?” I say. The wren of anxiety has flown into my mouth and down my throat and is fluttering around my stomach and it’s awful.
“Within forty minutes or so,” he says, handing me the script.
“Thank you so much,” I say: feeling so relieved that help is coming.
We get the Clonazepam in the village, arrive home and I take it with some water. Turning on the TV, it’s the Men’s Single Sculls in Rio: in open water next to the mountains. It’s so beautiful. And, as if by magic, the water and the drug soothe me, and the anxiety dissipates.
Other achievements of the day:
1. Push self hard at Spin – see attached outfit photo.
2. Shell the peas and broad beans.
3. Wash hair and self.
4. Cuddle this person. He wants to show you his tummy:
Happy Saturday everyone!
*2014. By Leigh Russell. Book 2 in the Detective Inspector Ian Peterson mystery series. Murder mystery set at the York races.