Bryter Layter*

I’m going to do the Tarot For Growth March: I’ve enjoyed the February one so much.

Wake up and watch Rafa’s match from yesterday which he wins 6 – 2, 6 – 1.

Cuddle Fluffball and give him his second breakfast. Then he goes out in the rain.

Mum is upset as the rain makes her miss tennis. She’s out at a Bridge match now.

Work hard at Pilates even though my abs and glutes hurt from training yesterday.

Am brave at my intramuscular bum injections at the cancer hospital. They really hurt as I have such a muscular bottom.

Apparently the constant nausea is caused by fluid pressing against lungs which then compress stomach which is pushed up, squashing my oesophagus, making me feel sick. They give me some more Domperidone for the sickness.

Mood isn’t high which is good. Don’t want to be manic in hospital. Am looking forward to a rest and have art materials and will take my firestick ๐Ÿ”ฅ.

Meditate and sleep. Now am off to see my doctor for the Zoladex injection that puts me into the menopause.

Am relieved to have a date for the operation: next Monday. Brother will be here: he’s coming tonight, and so he will be able to visit me in hospital ๐Ÿฅ.

Achieve a bath ๐Ÿ›€. Have more Neutrogena T-Gel to wash my itchy scalp. Unfortunately have thrush again so will ask doctor to prescribe something for that.

Am listening to darling Nick Drake.

Fluffball is sleeping on the piano ๐ŸŽน stool. He hasn’t been out much today as it’s been raining all day.

Happy Friday everyone!

*1971. By Nick Drake. Title song of 1971 album: Bryter Layter.


We watch Psycho last night for a treat. It’s so brilliant. Love Hitchcock.

When I wake up this morning it is snowing:

It’s so exciting. Fluffball goes out in it and comes in soaked. It’s so pretty.

Put antidepressant dose up when thought mood was going down but now it has gone too much up. Find myself being irritable with parents and annoy them. So will drop the antidepressant dose again. Sigh. It’s important mood is not high when am in hospital as don’t want to annoy the nurses with my demands. Last time was in hospital when mood was high, was phoning Mum at six o’clock in the morning to beg her to come and see me and look after me.

Seeing psychiatrist Dr Stein on Saturday at least. Phew ๐Ÿ˜….

We go to the garden centre for a treat and see the donkeys on the way.

Hospital calls. Am going in on Monday for a few days. Will have a chest drain put in to get rid of the fluid from lungs slowly. Mood must not be too high in hospital as it will annoy the nurses.

Go to the cancer hospital for blood tests where the nurse explains to me that my constant nausea is caused by the fluid pressing lungs against stomach so stomach in turn presses upwards, towards my oesophagus. She puts an anti-sickness agent through my port.

See my trainer and work hard:

Have to lie down due to nausea but we work everything. Spend an hour and fifteen minutes training.

Come home and have a long sleep from three o’clock till six o’clock. Am very tired. Feel calm which is good.

Happy Thursday everyone!

*1960. Feature film ๐ŸŽฅ directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Screenplay by Joseph Stefano, adapted from the book by Robert Bloch. Stars Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Vera Miles and John Gavin.


Last night we watch the masterpiece that is Rope from 1948. G-d it’s still good: Hitchcock filmed it all in one take to ramp up the suspense. Do watch it: it’s on Netflix. Love Hitchcock so much, and James Stewart who plays a crucial role. The script, the acting, it’s all wonderful. They don’t make them like that anymore.

Wake up at 6.45am. The panther is definitely not here, which is good news. Am working on my Advanced Tarot Diploma when Mum rushes in. Fluffball has snuck out of my open window, so quietly that I didn’t hear him.

He turns up at nine o’clock: just before we set off to walk Gandalf. Have now finished my Advanced Tarot Diploma. Dream Analysis And Therapy next. Have found out that there’s a form of divination using flowers: Flower Psychometry – so am going to do that next.

It’s cold and Gandalf doesn’t want to walk. Have to give him lots of treats. It’s sunny but a mere five degrees. Kiss him and cuddle him.

Work hard at Barre and it’s good to see my teachers and chums. Still have pain in left shoulder though.

Mum’s tennis partner and her Labrador pick me up and drop me back at the parentals.

The tennis players are in Acapulco in Mexico. They are wearing shorts and t-shirts. Watch Rafa demolish some chap called Andujar 6 – 3, 6 – 2. The goat ๐Ÿ looks wonderful in his pink top and pink shoes which say Rafa on the tongue.

Meditate and sleep. Wake up and do my Tarot For Growth February Challenge post which I’ve managed every day so far in February. Am pleased with self.

Now am watching Sascha making a meal of his first round match.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

*1948. Feature film. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Written by Patrick Hamilton, adapted from Hamilton’s play by Hume Cronyn. Stars James Stewart, John Dall, Farley Granger and Dick Hogan.

Mimosas, Mischief and Murder*

I catch glimpses of him: a black tail swishing in my peripheral vision. I hear The soft thud of huge paws ๐Ÿพ. and a growl.

“You can’t come back panther, not now,” I say. A couple of weeks back I raise my antidepressant dose in a bid to stave him off but I can feel he’s about to return. Have an operation coming up and am dreading it: don’t want four months of the panther.

Sleep this morning until Mum wakes me up at 8.45am. Am exhausted and feel a heaviness and despair.

We drive to Dolly’s. We’re walking her at eleven o’clock and it’s an hour’s drive from the parentals.

This face cheers me up but I’m walking through treacle:

The mimosa down the road from Dolly’s house is in full bloom:

A walk and kisses and cuddles with my bear ๐Ÿป helps, although I struggle to breathe climbing the hill. Need my lung operation.

Mum drops me back at the flat and I do a module of my Advanced Tarot Diploma about Intuition. Write loads and find myself in a flow state. Then meditate and sleep until alarm goes off at 4.15pm.

Mum picks me up. It’s raining ๐ŸŒง and sunny ๐ŸŒž on the drive back and we see a rainbow ๐ŸŒˆ.

On my return, I find that my bed is occupied:

Now that person is under my chair.

Need to post this and then have a bath ๐Ÿ›€ before supper which will be Pancake ๐Ÿฅž Lasagna.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

*2012. By Sara Rossett. Murder mystery novel.

State Of Fear*

The horror, the horror of Marks and Spencer. Rails upon rails of hideous polyester garments in awful colours that suit no-one such as rust, lilac and lime green. One would think that by now the shop would’ve realised that its target demographic: middle aged and elderly women – want basics in good quality materials such as cashmere, silk and cotton. Instead there are clothes in no sizes except six and twenty two, and they all have slogans on them. There are cropped trousers everywhere for some unknown reason.

The bosses need to get rid of Autograph and Per Una and concentrate on what the middle aged and elderly want, which is good quality basics in every colour. The shop is full of very old people shuffling around and there is no-one to help the customers on the shop floor. Liz Jones wrote an article about this some years ago and things have gone further downhill since then: there doesn’t even seem to be the Love, Rosie sleepwear range anymore.

We see lung specialist. Am going in for a few days soon to have chest drainage and pleurodesis.

Fluffball hasn’t been out much today due to the vast amount of rain.

Do a bit of work on Advanced Tarot Diploma. Today is designing one’s own deck, hermeticism and Jung and synchronicity.

*2004. By Michael Crichton. Techno Thriller.

Marriage Story*

So my friend visits last night and we watch Marriage Story. What a waste of two hours and seventeen minutes. Could not care less about those dull characters and their marriage and divorce. Don’t understand why anyone would like it. Scarlett Johansson looks awful in it – her hair is very short and her clothes are ghastly but this is not acting: no way does she deserve an Oscar nomination for that role. Adam Driver is better but there is no story. Really: it needs a few Murders to liven it up. As usual: the characters have no pets. If there was a Newfoundland in the film it would be at least a bit better.

On the subject of which: apparently Buck in The Call Of The Wild is not a real dog but is CGI which seems such a shame. Another classic ruined no doubt.

Don’t get much sleep last night and wake up at 8.40am. Finish watching American Horror Story Series Six about Roanoke. It’s excellent.

Attend a Pisces โ™“๏ธ New Moon ๐ŸŒ’ Ceremony at Ethereal in Primrose Hill which is fun. Just back now at 7.43pm and need supper.

Achieve bath ๐Ÿ›€ and wash hair but due to itchy scalp apply no products to hair and it’s a frizzy mess. Am going to crack on with American Horror Story Series Seven.

Happy Sunday everyone!

*2019. Feature film ๐ŸŽฅ written and directed by Noah Baumbach. Stars Scarlett Johansson, Adam Driver, Julia Greer and Azhy Robertson.


We start watching Harlan Coben’s Safe last night which is good fun.

Have a lovely long sleep and don’t wake up till eight o’clock this morning.

Do two more modules of my Advanced Tarot Diploma, which is fascinating.

Work hard at Barre. Now it’s two forty-five minute classes on a Saturday and I do the second one. Abs hurt from Pilates yesterday and have pain in left shoulder.

Mum picks me up and takes me back to the parental home for lunch.

Feed Fluffball his lunch and fish him out from under my chair where he’s sleeping. It’s windy ๐ŸŒฌ outside but not too cold: eleven degrees.

Dad drives me back to the flat. Meditate but can’t sleep.

Am watching American Horror Story Season 6 which is about Roanoke – it’s so good.

Later, my friend who I haven’t seen for ages is coming round. Have popcorn ๐Ÿฟ from the Farm Shop.

Need to have a bath ๐Ÿ›€ and empty the dishwasher.

Happy Saturday everyone!

*2018. Television series. Created by Harlan Coben, written by Daniel Brocklehurst. Stars Michael C. Hall, Amy James-Kelly, Amanda Abbington and Freddie Thorp. Directed by Julia Ford.

All Apologies*

My illnesses they drain me,

In darkness I fear what will be:

I am strong, and I am brave

But long for the silence of the grave.

Fluffball sleeps in a new place:

How I love my lion’s face.

Of my pain, there’s not a trace –

To the slow and stolid the race.

Careering towards my untimely end:

All I can do is see my friends,

Walk the dogs, and do the stretches.

Fluffball chokes, and then he retches –

Coughs up a hairball: darling boy –

Animals are my greatest joy.

Yesterday was my anniversary with Seb though –

I miss him still. Why won’t my hair grow:

It’s the cancer meds and then,

I open Bumble, trawl for men.

I need a house, I need a Newf

My doom is coming: I have proof.

The night comes down,

The sky is black.

Stretched out across the rack:

I’m in such pain in mind and body,

Shall I start another hobby.

Still in the Earth, the green grass above me,

Just in need of someone to love me.

As above, so below:

The wheel turns,

The cancer grows.

Inside my head now, all is dark,

I take Dolly to the park.

Somewhere nearby the jackdaws roost,

We see them today, eating their foods.

Mum plays bridge and tennis too,

Oh what I’d give for one or two

Pain free days, or nights again.

Yesterday, I’m caught in the rain:

My umbrella doesn’t really work.

There was New Chap, he was a jerk.

I manifest a good man now

He cometh soon.

To G-d I vow

To be the best person I can be,

And far away there is the sea:

The sea of faith – Dover Beach,

Happiness always just out of reach.

Darwin’s pitcher plants,

My hero’s loving glance.

Pilates today, upon the ball

My abs hurt now, I stand tall –

Facing whatever life throws at me.

This is the only way to be.

*1993. Song by Nirvana. Appears on the album In Utero.

Fashion Victims*

Can’t sleep last night till about 1.30pm. Wake up at 5.20am and can’t get back to sleep.

Take an Uber to West Hampstead. Am meeting my darling friend who is working at Alice Temperley the designer’s shop on Bruton Street. The driving rain is ferocious. Hailing a cab, sit in it in the Regent traffic, trembling with anxiety. It just takes one night of bad sleep to upset my tenuous grasp on reality and my fragile mental balance.

Am calmed once I arrive at the shop. Just look at the clothes:

There are some fantastic pieces there. The new collection has a Tarot theme. Some of the appliquรฉ sequin dresses are two thousand pounds. My friend is very happy to be working there.

We have lunch and coffee and take the Victoria line to Warren Street from the actual closest station: Green Park. Change to the Northern line at Warren Street and take the tube ๐Ÿš‡ to Golders Green and then walk home. By then it’s stopped raining. Now have proper new umbrella from Boots on Oxford Street.

Go down for my afternoon sleep at 4.45pm and don’t wake up till almost nine o’clock. Oh dear.

Make supper and now am watching American Horror Story Series 6 which is about Roanoke. It’s brilliant.

Really hope I can sleep tonight!

Happy Thursday everyone!

*2015. By Alison Matthews David. The dangers of dress: past and present. A history of death by dress for fashionistas and scholars alike. How clothing has been the cause of death, disease and madness throughout history.

The Long Ships*

Walk Gandalf. It is very cold and we have to keep stopping for treats. Kiss and cuddle him.

Work really hard at Barre: legs and bum now hurt. We do lots of lunges and many planks. Also we do lots of arm exercises: tricep presses, shoulder presses and biceps curls.

Come home and have lunch, meditate and sleep.

Fluffball doesn’t make it out much today in the rain. He is sleeping a lot. Kiss and cuddle him. Look how gorgeous and fluffy he is.

Do my Norse mythology Diploma. Now know a lot about Fenrir the Wolf ๐Ÿบ; Ourobouros the world serpent ๐Ÿ who swallows his tail; Loki, Freya – who rides a chariot drawn by cats ๐Ÿฑ; Yggdrasil the World Tree ๐ŸŒณ; giants; dwarves; Odin’s ravens Thought and Memory; Ragnarok – the end of the world ๐ŸŒ and so much more.

Now parentals are taking me back to the flat where will watch Luna Nera – a Netflix series about witches ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ ๐Ÿ”ฎ.

Wednesday is one of my favourite days as Gandalf ๐Ÿ•; Barre and Fluffball. My witch ๐Ÿง™โ€โ™€๏ธ mentor is a Norse Celt. Have a witch event on Sunday at Ethereal at Primrose Hill.

Tomorrow am seeing my friend who is working at Alice Temperley. Look forward to seeing her and to trying on dresses ๐Ÿ‘—. Need a spring one for when we visit brother in Abroad in April.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

*1941. By Frans G Bengtsson. Adventure novel set in the Tenth century about the Viking Rรถde Orm, called Red for his hair and temper, a native of Scania.