dating

Let It Unfold*

Posted on by waternymph88

I wonder how long it takes to get over the loss of the love of your life. It’s coming up to four years now I think since Seb split up with me, and yet I’m still not over him. Bear in mind: we were together on and off over a period of eleven years.

Six months after he split up with me, I started to see a psychologist for PTSD caused by him breaking up with me at my flat. I saw her for six months and after that I was better enough to meet New Chap and was with him for eighteen months until that too ended horribly.

It’s undeniable though that at a deep, core level I’m not over Seb. I go through the motions of dating but with such limited success that I’d give up if I experienced that level of failure in any other area of my life.

Part of my difficulty is my attachment style: I become very attached to people very quickly. Since learning more about astrology I’ve learned that my Venus placement is problematic: I have Venus in Aries ♈️ which I’m actually in a support group for on Facebook. “In love, Venus in Aries ♈️ people are totally addicted to the conquest” according to Cafe Astrology and this is all too true.

Speak to my psychiatrist Dr Stein about my internet dating woes and he suggests a matchmaking agency. Apparently there’s also a dating column in the Telegraph on Thursdays so am going to take a look at that.

Have a good session with Dr Stein this morning: mood remains up so he’s pleased.

Work extra hard at a very tough Barre class:

It is good to see my lovely teacher and chums. Six people cancel class due to Coronavirus fears. The world has gone mad.

Dad brings me back to the flat and fits my two new freezer drawers. Have a two and a half hour sleep and then do a module of my Flower Psychometry Diploma about Chakra Healing. I love this course, it’s fascinating. That is Module 8 so just two modules left before can start my Zoology.

Speak to Dave. He is visiting tomorrow.

Don’t know if have mentioned before but there’s this really talented young singer whom I follow on Instagram called Emily DiPace. Her album The 11:11 Experience is out now. Please listen: it’s on Spotify.

Happy Saturday everyone!

*2020. Song by Emily DiPace from the album The 11:11 Experience.

Happens To The Heart*

Posted on by waternymph88

I stand on the corner where we met:

Nothing now left but pain and regret.

I see you as if it were yesterday –

Walking down the street your hips sway.

I know I have to stop you, and I do

Twelve years pass of me and you.

And now you’re gone forever, my twin flame,

Only dust and stars remain.

You’re never coming back you said,

You’ve met someone else and we are dead.

Seb, all I want is you

It isn’t helpful but it’s true

And so I cry and miss you still,

Three years now since you had to kill

What we built in all that time.

Nothing left but I go on,

People say that I am strong

And yet my weakness overwhelms me

If I’d stopped drinking earlier

Would you have stayed forever

If I’d been less ill or more – what

More something else – I forgot.

I wonder if you’re still with that new girl

Why can’t I break free of you

Why can’t I move on and find

Someone who loves my heart and mind,

Someone different, someone new,

Of course there is no other you.

I don’t expect another soulmate,

It won’t be handed to me on a plate:

Not like you were on that day –

My fantasy made flesh anyway.

And nothing helps, and nothing’s left

I grit my teeth but I’m bereft:

Going through my life alone.

I gnash my teeth, I weep, I moan.

The sun shone that day but you were brighter,

Your hair grazed your perfect cheekbones

Jeans hung off your hips.

I knew you were the one right there and then:

Oh, of course I can date other men,

But no-one can compare to you.

What we had, it is so rare,

And yet, despite all my prayers

You have gone forever now.

I know this poem isn’t good

It doesn’t need to be understood

Just writing it is all I need

I cry so much that I can’t breathe.

Photo of actual Tim Henman from Champions Tennis 🎾 today 💓.

*2019. Song by Leonard Cohen from his posthumous album Thanks For The Dance, which is brilliant: buy it now.

Boyhood Island*

Posted on by waternymph88

Wake up in beautiful Haifa:

Have breakfast and then walk to the gym to join it. It’s sunny and hot and wear a vest top and shorts. Am in such a good mood in the sunshine. Wore my leg weights on the flight so have them with me so don’t feel anxious.

Pay for ten sessions: brother will take the ones I can’t fit in.

See some beautiful flowers on walk home:

Do Module Three work for Get Your Soulmate. Have to keep reading Persia’s book The Inner Fix for the GYS work so am glad that have it with me.

Have lunch, meditate and sleep.

Read most of Boyhood Island – the third book in the Knaussgard series – on the plane.

Now we’re going to brother’s friends for dinner.

Happy Friday everyone!

*2010. By Karl Ove Knaussgard. Biographical novel. Part 3 in the My Struggle trilogy.

Death In The Clouds*

Posted on by waternymph88

Waiting at Luton airport for our flight ✈️.

I can’t remember whether or not I mentioned that I’ve joined the Persia Lawson Get Your Soulmate programme. Just started Module 1 and have the most special notebook to do my work in:

Look up the programme at http://www.getyoursoulmate.com

Right: in the queue for the gate now. Had to buy a new straw hat as forgot one. Also purchased food for lunch and supper at Pret.

We seem to be boarding now.

Happy Thursday everyone!

*1935. By Agatha Christie. Hercule Poirot detective novel.

New Chap

Posted on by waternymph88

All change here

I’ve met a man

He’s lovely and

I like him so much

I like to chat with him and then

We chat and laugh and chat again

He puts strong arms

Around me now

I’m not alone

It feels so good

No longer lost in deep, dark woods.

Seb is gone

And that’s OK

There’s someone new

Oh how I pray

It lasts and lasts and lasts and then

I have no need of other men

He is big

And he is kind

He kisses me

He doesn’t mind

The cancer hasn’t put him off

I’m grateful now.

Now life is good.

Heartbreak Ridge*

Posted on by waternymph88

Hi Cordelia,

Apologies for this long message – I felt like it was the best way to talk to you about all of this given the chats we’ve had before.

The next Detroit trip has come together today – all very last minute due to the nature of the job we’re putting together out there. But it looks like I’ll be flying out first thing Saturday morning – and I’ll be out till mid November at least, so a long trip (and not long to prepare for it).

It doesn’t really change anything, but it precipitates a chat that I think I’ve been needing to have for a while, and it’s not fair on you for me to leave it whilst I’m away.

I’ve not been in a good place for a while. I’m crying every day. Sometimes I’ll break down two, three times. I feel like I’m perpetually combusting inside. I’m struggling to stay on top of work and it’s not a productive place to try and do the therapy work I need to. So that’s why I’ve finally decided that I ought to give myself the option of going back on meds to see if it levels me out.

One of the areas that I’ve been feeling increasingly emotionally stressed is in the context of being in something, a relationship in so far as it is.

A lot of the work I’ve been doing in therapy is around the impact of the important relationships in my life (principally my mum), and redefining where I fit as an individual in those.

And I’ve got a lot of work to do before I get to a place where I’ve got a healthy sense of self and a relationship will be a good thing for me that I can embark on and move forwards.

Fundamentally I can’t do this work on myself and continue in the same way as we are at the moment.

So for my own health and well-being I need to step out of what we’ve got and the direction I know you’d like to take it, and just be friends – should being friends be something you’d be comfortable with. (I understand if it’s not).

I need to be clear about where I’m at emotionally, where I feel like I’m driving towards, what I’m capable of and what I’m not.

I’ve not been very good at stating clearly or managing my needs in the past, but my health depends on it and I do have to listen to them for once.

I’m sorry, this isn’t a fun message to receive, it’ll be disappointing, maybe hurtful. I’m so sorry for that. I really, truly am. I want to be able to support you and not be a source of stress or pain so writing this is painful for me too.

I want to say that this isn’t a result of anything you’ve done, you haven’t done anything wrong. This genuinely is me needing to take the right steps to look after myself and recover.

I’m not able to talk this evening, I need the time to stabilise myself out so I’m going to turn my phone off and get some sleep.

If you’ve got any questions I can try and answer them tomorrow.

Again, I’m sorry Cordelia. I hate letting you down.

*******************************

OK darling I am surprised to be honest and shocked – I thought things were going well. But I understand and I’m sorry but I can’t be friends. I will give your lovely scarf to someone else when it’s finished. Anyway, I wish you all the best: I think you’re a lovely person and I have really enjoyed the times we’ve spent together. I don’t want you to be unhappy – the last thing I want to do is to exacerbate your unhappiness. Fingers crossed that your drugs start to work soon.

Sending lots of love. You know where I am if you change your mind 💖🤗💕

So there we go. Film Chap has split up with me 😭💔.

On the plus side:

  1. Am So Grateful that he split up with me by text. Seb always insisted on dumping me in person which tended to result in me trailing around after him doing hysterical howling. In contrast, Film Chap’s message comes in at 11.20pm last night and have small cry, witnessed by no-one and then sleep. Much better.
  2. It’s not my fault. He has problems that he needs to address: its nothing to do with My Behaviour. Seb used to love telling me all the ways in which he could no longer cope with me. This is nothing like that.
  3. The fact remains that have achieved a functional six month relationship with a chap my age. Have broken my lifelong pattern of pursuing much younger men who are not interested. This bodes well for the future.
  4. Ask my Dragon 🐉 Tarot Cards if will achieve a new boyfriend. Receive a positive spread. The answer card is The Empress: this card suggests action and worldly success for any imminent enterprise, whether it be marriage, work or art:
  5. Teach Rolling Back, Hip Flexor Stretch and The Roll Up in Pilates today. It goes well and teacher pleased with me. Here we are:
  6. Start Personal Training with my amazing Pilates teacher, Rebekah. We attempt some Advanced Pilates moves: The Crab 🦀 and The Jack Knife and am able to perform them. Also lift weights on the Pilates ball and do Side Leg series. Rebekah is a far better trainer than my one at Virgin and I love her.
  7. We have lunch at the Farm afterwards which is lovely.
  8. Watching the Laver Cup. Sascha and Roger are playing Jack Sock and Denis Shapavalov. Am so lucky to be able to watch this.
  9. Really looking forward to a day watching the tennis tomorrow, my Tarot Course on Sunday and then my Poetry Retreat on Monday. It’s So Good to have things to which to look forward.
  10. Buy self sunflowers 🌻 and dark purple gladioli.

Here is a wild lion 🦁 that walks into the house this morning:

Roger and Sascha are 5 – 2 up in the first set. Apparently Jack Sock is the Best Doubles player in the world but the Swiss Goat 🐐 is dominating proceedings at the moment. Sascha is playing much better than he has been recently.

I miss my lovely boyfriend and feel sad 😭 💔.

Happy Friday everyone!

*1986. War drama feature film 🎞 🎥 directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Clint Eastwood, Marsha Mason, Everett McGill and Moses Gunn. Written by James Carabatsos.

Game Set Danger*

Posted on by waternymph88

Oh G-d I’m nervous for Rafa for tonight: anxious, nervous, worried.

Watch Serena vs Bianca and it just shows how dangerous someone young, hungry and fearless can be. Bianca breaks Serena in the first game and takes the first set 6 – 3. She leads 5 – 1 in the second. With Bianca serving for the title and achieving a Matchpoint, Serena mounts a comeback at the eleventh hour and wins the next four games, to the delight of the twenty seven thousand people in the crowd. But it’s too little too late as Bianca breaks her and then serves for the title, which she wins, throwing herself in a star shape 🌟 on the court and then climbing up to the box to hug her coach, physio, trainer and finally her parents.

Bianca is just nineteen but possesses the complete game. In the first set her first service percentage is about 84%. She doesn’t struggle with Serena’s serve and sends it back with interest.

Serena is struggling: she’s still not back to full fitness and huffs and puffs when forced to run. She tries, and fails to intimidate her teenage opponent who is fast, super strong and fearless. She’s a beautiful girl too – her cheeks luscious and she glows with the bloom of youth. She has an old head on young shoulders: she hits the ball So Hard. She refuses to buckle under the pressure of throwing away Championship point and although she’s over-cautious in the next four games that she loses, she pulls herself together to break Serena again for 6 – 5 and then serves for the match.

Serena is just Not Right: losing the last three Grand Slam finals, garnering just a handful of games in each match. Her fitness isn’t yet fully back after giving birth but I think what’s missing is something mental: she appears to crumble under the pressure and hits two double faults in some games and countless unforced errors.

Last night I ask the cards whether Serena ought to retire and this is what I pull:

This seems conclusive and damning. It seems what she needs is a new sports psychologist: she’s lost the habit of winning and the superhero cape of invincibility she used to throw on.

Have fun at my cousin’s thirtieth last night:

Pass out about 10.30pm last night and wake up well-rested this morning.

We finish the Major Arcana at my Tarot Course this morning. Am so fascinated that I don’t need the loo during the whole two hours, which is a record: I usually have to go about every forty five minutes. We learn all about the History of Tarot which is grounded in Egyptian, Jewish and Christian mysticism. Am enthralled by it and am good at it: deciphering the symbolism such as the tetramorph – the four Evangelists – with ease.

Just feel that everything is coming together at the moment and that everything I touch turns to gold. Am making great strides in my Pilates teaching, Memoir writing, art, knitting, socialising and Tarot. But then I always feel this when my mood is up. Positivity begets rewards and it snowballs.

A wonderful thing happens this morning: find my Doreen Virtue Magical Mermaids 🧜🏻‍♀️ and Dolphins 🐬 Oracle Cards and my Gillian Kemp Mermaids 🧜🏻‍♀️ & Dolphins 🐬 and Magical Creatures Of The Sea 🌊 Affirmation and Divination Cards. Look:

There’s even a card for me, look:

It’s amazing: bought these cards years ago and am so happy to find them again.

Spend some time with my Fluffy in the garden before setting off for the flat.

When I arrive my Rafa hairband is here:

Film Chap is coming round to watch Rafa’s Match with me. Warn him that may be in a bit of a state: it will be good to see him but feel vulnerable: the mask that I wear to hide my anxiety, nervousness and worry may slip and this may put him off. Hope not of course.

Please G-d let Rafa come through this to achieve his nineteenth Grand Slam title: 💖😍🥰👑🐐🙏💕💓🇪🇸🏆🙌🥳🎾🦁🌟.

The Rafaholics WhatsApp group is in overdrive today, as you can imagine.

Watch some of The Thick Of It for some much-needed laughs and now am watching the Women’s Doubles Final for a bit of light relief. It’s the hors d’ouevres before the main course of Rafa vs Medvedev who’s young, hungry and on form.

My wood pigeons are outside and I see my robin earlier.

Right, it’s suppertime.

Happy Sunday everyone!

*1983. By Anna Clarke. Tennis crime fiction novel.

The Complete Illustrated Stories And Poems Of Edgar Allan Poe*

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Achievements Of The Day:

  1. Finish noting the fourth draft of Memoir, adding plenty of new material. Now just need Mum to type up the changes, then will have almost three weeks to fine-tune it.
  2. Make a collage of a lion 🦁, eagle 🦅, pangolin and Labradors – see below.
  3. My Black Cat Tarot Card Box arrives. I adore it. My Unicorn Tarot cards are inside it.
  4. There will also be room for my Rider Waite deck.
  5. Watch plenty of tennis. Julia Georges just served for the match, served three double faints, Donna Vekic broke her and stole the set and now there will be a decider.
  6. Speak to Film Chap who is coming to see me this evening – yay! Can’t wait to see him 💖.
  7. Pull my cards for the day: Laughter and Growth.
  8. Go for two walks for inspiration as wake up early and work on Memoir for twelve hours.
  9. Do two washes.
  10. Hang up all the washing.
  11. Wipe the kitchen surfaces.
  12. Put pink magpie tea towel on my coffee table.
  13. Wash hair.
  14. Now am thinking about supper.

Happy Monday everyone!

*1988. By Edgar Allan Poe.

The Mile End Murder*

Posted on by waternymph88

Look what have just received. Excited to read it. It’s about a real locked room mystery case in 1860. Can’t wait to read it.

Don’t make it to the gym as my new chap comes round to cook me breakfast. He’s been on the scene since March. Haven’t mentioned him as don’t want to jinx it. Anyway, he’s lovely and hopefully he’s going to be sticking around for a bit. He’s a film director and has to go away a lot for work which is why we’ve only just achieved seven dates. But hopefully Film Chap will become a fixture here now I’ve finally mentioned him.

Go to sleep after he leaves at 1.30pm and don’t wake up till 5.30pm so have missed the gym today. Seeing my trainer tomorrow at 11am and have booked all my classes for next week.

Am lying on my new sofa. The panther lies next to me, resting his heavy head in my lap.

Watch The Danish Girl last night and it’s really good. Recommend it. Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander are outstanding and it’s a fascinating true story of one of the world’s first transsexuals in Denmark in 1925.

Happy Sunday everyone!

*2017. By Sinclair McKay. True crime. Non-fiction.

Murder For Lunch*

Posted on by waternymph88

Wake up at six o’clock this morning and do two hours of Pilates Instructor Course theory. Have breakfast. Talk to Fluffball:

It’s The Boss’s class at Spin. Work extremely hard. Here we are:

Hilariously, the person in front of me has a fan which she fits on her bike. Show you:

Teach the Warm Up in Pilates and teacher is pleased with me. Work very hard at Pilates. Here I am:

Rush to Kings Cross to meet Lauren from Back In Stilletos who is visiting from San Francisco. We have lunch at Camino – it’s so great to meet her after five years of following each other’s blogs. We have So Much to talk about and have Such Fun. Here we are:

She’s Just How I Imagined Her: really glamorous and funny – we giggle about dating, the Nineties, San Francisco and so much else.

Need to visit her in San Francisco now – yay! Love it there.

Recommend Camino:

http://www.caminouk.com

Rush home for my horrible Zoladex injection. Read Fay Weldon’s new novel After The Peace whilst am waiting – it’s so brilliant. Read it. Read Before The War first which is now out in paperback.

Tell my doctor about my Pilates adventures and the Goddess Collective. And mood being up for more than seven months. She is Really Pleased With me.

It’s been hot today so wear a sundress to the doctor.

Catch Fluffball when arrive home. He’s in now.

My parental best friends are coming round for dinner soon. Wonder if Mum’s chum has done her Pilates homework today. Will soon find out.

Happy Friday everyone!

*2016. By Haughton Murphy. Book One in The Reuben Frost mysteries, set in Wall Street.